Previously on Queer as Folk:
I get to buy anything.
You're in severe pain!
You should be resting!
You did it! Come on, you're almost there!
Bicycling down life's endless highways...
I had time to think about what I'd do differently.
Perhaps it's best for both of us...
if we aren't together.
Do you believe we're really married?
Are we? Even if it was real for just a day...
... was it worth it.
The government of the United States doesn't recognize gays getting married.
You're a dad... have you picked on a name?
Contingent on the approval of all three parties...
Jenny Rebecca.
We have the green light. That's awesome!
It's going to be tough going back to Pittsburgh after this...
So why go? Stay here, work at the movies.
You're really going.
It's what we both agreed to.
For the times that you're not around, I wouldn't particuraly mind it if you were.
I want you to move back in.
In a world of shadow, where the undead stalk the night...
Rage and Zephyr struggle to escape the land of the clones.
Do you know what amazes me?
What, dear?
Outside a child is born, a man dies, a couple gets marries...
The ever changing kaleidoscope of life.
In here... nothing changes.
Everything's the same. Same hot guys, same thumpa-thumpa...
same shaved chest...
And what a comfort it is to know.
But it's all a lie, an illusion, just...
...cheap theatrics.
Nevertheless... let's keep dancing.
I promised Ben I'd be home by midnight.
Aah, pathetic!
Well be sure and thank your husband for me for
allowing you to come out and play with your poor lonely friend.
I noticed you left out "old".
Well you'd be a lot less lonely when you're reunited with your beloved.
Hey, you'd better not say anything!
When have I ever...
Fine. Nevermind.
I give you my word.
Swear to it. On the memory of Marylin Monroe.
I swear on the memory of Marylin Monroe that I will not tell Justin
that you're flying to L.A this weekend to surprise him, and that you love him,
and you miss him more than words can express.
Who said anything about that?
Look, you don't fool me, Mr. I am a rock, I am an island.
I know how hard it's been for you.
You have no idea, Mikey.
How odd.
Hey, Todd!
How's it going?
Fine...
Hey dickhead! Turn off your fucking cell phone!
What's up?
Just lying here, eating a bag of Dorritos, reading the Brothers Karamazov.
What about you?
Anna Karinina, and Pringles.
I always said it was our love of Russian literature and snacks high in saturated fat
that brought us together.
So how's work?
Up to my ass in storyboards.
But Brett is thrilled. He says he never could have envisioned the project without me.
He's even talking about a sequel.
My superhero.
The only trouble is, pre-production is slower than we expected.
So I might have to stay longer than I thought.
How much longer?
Another three months, maybe four.
The studio is screaming but Brett says not to worry, that happens all the time.
You're not pissed, are you?
Why the fuck would I be pissed?
I told you before you went out there, the only reason I'd be pissed is if you didn't go.
So when are you coming out here?
You'd fucking love it.
You never know when I just might drop in.
Well, you'd better hurry...
...the way things are going, I'll be doing "Son of Rage".
I miss you.
Hey you take care of yourself, you hear?
Do the best work you can, and have the best time you can.
It's all that matters.
She has your big button eyes...
and your dimples...
and your adorable nose!
Well, she's got one thing of Mel's that I don't have.
Oh, she's so young, it's hard to tell who she looks like.
At this point, she's just a sleep, eat and poop machine.
Oh yeah, but she is our little sleep, eat and poop machine.
Sweet dreams, honeybun.
Honeybun?
It's just what my mother used to call me.
Which reminds me, she said to tell you she's coming by tomorrow to see the baby.
Would you have her call first?
She's not pestering you, is she? If she is, just tell me. I hate when she pesters.
Are you sure you guys don't need any groceries? Got diapers, what about talcum powder...
We've got everything under control.
Of course they do, after all these years they're like a fine tuned machine.
I can't wait to be an old married couple.
Don't rush it, it's nice to be newlyweds too.
How many years has it been? - Two hundred.
Ten. This week, actually.
Ten's a biggie, are you planning on anything special?
We're taking a pass this year.
Too tired, too busy.
Just remember, if there's anything you need...
When your tits start lactating, call me.
Bye! Bye...!
You're good.
So are you.
Practice makes perfect.
We're gonna have to tell them eventually.
They'll have to know I'm not living here.
Of course they need to know...
and they will.
Eventually.
I just wanna grab some pantyhose and my lasagna pan.
I don't think I can help you with the pantyhose, but...
don't they have enough pans at my house?
What, that old collection of TV dinner tins?
Speaking of collection, I gotta remember bringing my glass crowns.
Wait...
You just brought over all those owls with all those...
eyes.
With all that stuff you've been hauling over, we might as well be living here.
Carl...
What?
Shit. I don't know how to say this...
You? Not know how to say something?
It's about your place.
What's the matter with my place?
Nothing! No, nothing's the matter with your place.
It's just...
It's not this place.
We've had endless discussions about where we were gonna live,
you said you didn't want to be here.
Too many sad memories.
It's true, and at the time all that I could think about was losing Vic.
But since I've been gone...
all the happy memories are starting to come back, and they've even beaten up the sad ones.
I've lived in this house almost thirty years.
That's practically all of Michael's life...
There were days where we could barely muster up the mortgage, and...
and days where we parties all night long, that didn't even cound birthdays and holidays.
This house is a part of me.
And I've never been away from it until now.
There's nothing, nothing wrong with your place, sweetheart, I love being there with you.
But I want to come home.
Honey...
It's like I said from the start.
It's up to you.
Wherever you are is home to me.
Really?
Thank you!
Thank you.
Oh yeah!
Fuck me like you mean it, come on!
Welcome home.
You know, every time you see a stuffed animal, you don't have to buy it.
I can't help it, I want my girl to have everything.
Ex-cuse us...
What are they giving me a look for? This isn't a fucking back room!
The party has been going on since last night.
Michael!
I'm just curious.
Packed to the rafters, one of them looks just like...
Hey dudes, you're home.
Why aren't you?
Jason and Troy asked me if we had the new Christina Aguilera CD. So I loaned them ours.
That'll be the last we see of that, thank you very much!
You don't belong over there with guys who've been partying all night!
I was just trying to be neighbourly...
And maybe cop a little weed.
You should be studying for your midterm! - Crack those books, pal.
Give me the ice cream, I'll put it in the freezer.
They seem kind of cranky to you?
Who?
Mel and Linds.
No more than usual.
I mean, yeah, they both are probably exhausted.
They must be, not to want to celebrate your tenth anniversary.
With breastfeeding and changing diapers, I'm sure planning a celebration is the last thought on their minds.
Maybe we should think of it for them.
I hope on our tenth anniversary we're not too tired to celebrate.
I seriously doubt that would ever happen.
Hey!
I thought when you got married you'd fuck less.
Counting down the hours, Bri?
I'd be too, you lucky bastard.
Zooming off to Los Angeles for a little sunshine...
Well, before you fly away,
we need to go over some figures.
How many bear claws you've consumed this morning?
I'm writing down a number.
Oh, I get it, I'm supposed to guess what it is?
Then what, we'd become the new Siegfried and Roy?
That's how much Kinnetic made last quarter.
It's not too shabby.
Not too shabby?! For being in business a year, it's over the fucking moon!
So what do you plan to do with it?
It all yours.
I meant the profits.
Of course, you could always pump it back into the business but...
I caution you against expanding too quickly.
I might say the same thing to you.
As far as stocks and bonds...
to get a good rate you'd have to go out to the middle of the 24th century.
So what do you suggest?
The best investment there is...
Yourself!
Spend it on you! You've worked like a sonofabitch, you went through hell and back with your...
But, thank god, you're okay, so...
treat yourself to something special! Go buy a new toy!
I've got dildoes up the ass.
I mean that little extravagance you thought you could never afford.
Like...
a shiny red Ferrari...
or perhaps a Warhol to hang in the loft.
Or... how about something for Justin?
Like his own personal Lear jet so he can wing back and forth from the coast to visit you.
I'm sure you'll come up with something you feel like yourself with.
He's so cute!
I'm Devon's biological father.
And Monty's is own Dean's bio-dad.
Same mom however, it's important to us that they'd be related.
Finally got the kids down, I had to sing "Under the Sea" six times.
You do perform it brilliantly.
Your kids are so adorable.
Thanks...
Ilay tells me you've just had one of your own.
Jenny Rebecca, um, but we call her J.R.
I love that!
But we're not parenting like you.
Melanie and Lindsey are our lesbian friends and the primary parents.
Well, if you ever do decide to raise one of your own, this is the perfect neighbourhood to do it.
We have a huge back yard.
Jimboree down the block.
And they're even putting in a Baby Gap.
It's funny, when I was a kid we weren't even allowed to come over here, it's too dangerous.
Now the only danger is if they run out of Wasabi peas at Whole Foods.
Leave it to the queers to turn grass into gold.
That's no fairy tale!
Ever since the gays moved in, started fixing things up, real estate prices have soared.
You guys ever think about moving?
Like a different world, isn't it?
Between here and where Ilay and Monty live.
You wanna stop in for a drink?
I got a lecture to prepare.
So...
how did you like their house?
They did a great job.
It's amazing how much that neighbourhood has changed.
I wish this one would.
It's a used condom or two.
Besides the apartment is too small for the three of us, and that building is like a gay dorm.
It's not that bad!
Not if you're 24 and want to fuck everything that moves... or Brian.
We're past all that, aren't we?
Sure...
So...
What do you think about getting a place of our own?
I don't really want to move.
Why, I bet between the two of us we can afford it.
Maybe so, but this is where we live, where I've lived my whole life...
I don't know if I want to pick up and leave, just like that.
Just a thought.
Charming spacious apartment to share, own bedroom, private bath, no pets...
bottoms only need apply.
Perfect.
So who asked you to leave, Debra or Horbath?
Neither. They didn't have to.
The look on their faces must've been priceless when they found you entertaining.
Deb wanted to watch and have a Q&A afterwards.
No doubt! What about Horbath?
Ever see the blob?
Remember the look on the old farmer's face just before it devoured him?
So I've decided to save everyone the discomfort of going through another embarrassing scene,
kindly fold my tent, and...
Teddy? How many of those power bars have you had?
Who's counting?
I am. And that's your fourth.
Do you know the number of carbs in those things, not to mention the calories?
So I'll burn them off.
Honey, you'd have to go up in flames.
Look, I know you don't wanna hear this,
so please, please promise me you won't take it the wrong way...
but as your friend I feel it's my obligation to tell you. You're getting a little...
A little what?
A little... hardy.
I mean... robust.
I mean... - Fat.
Fat? I've become fat?
Well let's put it this way. If you start singing, it's all over.
I'll have you know, I'm not fat. I'm just...
I'm bulking up.
I was a shadow of my former self when I was on crystal, and I shed quite a few pounds during the Liberty Ride.
And I happen to think I look pretty damn good.
And obviously, so does he.
Who knew you could catch twinkies by stuffing them in your mouth?
Alright! I'm off to find new digs. Taa!
Hey...
Shall we take a peek in the steam room and see what's lurking in the mist?
Can't. Brett's calling from L.A., he wants my input on a couple of story points for the screenplay.
You know, stuff Rage might say.
Zowie, Zephyr! Check out that... super cock?
Something like that.
Besides I thought you had a plane to catch.
Justin's going to be so excited when you show up.
I'm not going. The trip's cancelled.
But I thought you had all these plans to surprise him.
Guess the surprise is... there's not going to be one.
Reverend Swineheart, Rage's nemesis and sworn enemy of queers everythere,
preaches his message of hate from his pulpit,
while deep in the catacombs of the church,
Rage hangs suspended above the flames.
his hands bound in really hot leather restraints.
Meanwhile, J.T. races to the rescue...
Mr. Keller says they need the storyboard for the catacomb sequence now, now, now.
Tell him I'm hurrying as fast as I can, can can.
Pray my hand holds out.
You look all out of breath.
I'm just trying to finish these storyboards for a certain demanding tyrant.
Forget it, I've got incredible news.
And other than a legion of studio executives, agents, publicists, managers and both trade papers,
you are the very first to hear it.
We just signed someone to play rage.
Who? Who?!
This is the movies! Instead of telling you, I'll show you.
Conner.
Hey, man.
Where have you been? He's just back from doing a Kabuki version of "Much Ado" off, off, off,
off Broadway.
What a change from working with those Hollywood hacks, I was fired for nothing more than mediocrety.
Still you don't have any problem picking up that paycheck, do you.
Get ready to do some serious acting...
We start flying lessons on Monday.
I thought you turned down the part.
The director convinced me it'd be good for my career.
Show everyone I'm a straight guy who has no problems playing gay for pay.
Right! Stuffed eggplant, Caprisi salad, hummus, and...
the piece the resistance, fried chicken, which is not really fried but baked to taste like fried,
so nobody feels guilty.
Mel and Linds are going to go out of their minds when we show up. I can't thank you enough for all of this, Em.
My pleasure, sweetie.
What's this?
Casserole I made to take along. Millet, leeks and soy cheese.
Are you sure you're not a lesbian?
Kitchen's so tiny you can barely turn around.
Care to dance?
Which isn't too much of a stretch, considering baby Babylon blasting across the hallway.
Tell me about it.
Why are his firm, manly tits in a twist?
He thinks the building's turning into a den of inequity. Sex, drugs, cruising...
Okay, so, those are the advantages. What are the liabilities?
That basically we've outgrown this place.
Let's face it honey, you're a Sadie Sadie Married Lady,
with a hubby and piglets to prove it.
I, on the other hand, remain wantonly single.
So if you're moving out, maybe I should move back in.
We're not moving.
Would you look at this? It's like homo central.
Down! They're just young and having fun, we were once that age, remember?
That's exactly the point, we're not that age anymore.
It's time to move to a house on a street like Ilay and Monty.
Buying a house isn't like buying a CD or a sweater!
Even if we did decide to do it, first we'd have to review our finances, check out the numbers, right Em?
Oh, I'd say checking out the numbers is essential.
Trying to dispose of a large sum of expendible income is more exhausting than one might think.
Who ever said the world is fair? Next time you'll think twice before becoming a success.
You're not doing so bad yourself.
Ben wants us to buy a house in that new area where all the gay couples are moving.
Oh, and become Stepford fags?
Maybe you should get a new place. House in the country?
I hate the fucking country.
A yacht?
Right. Pittsburgh: the new St. Tropez.
Ride on the space shuttle?
I'm a tad shy of twenty mil.
How about a bottle of wine for Mel and Linds's anniversary bash?
Who says I'll be there?
I figured since you cancelled your trip...
It doesn't mean I'm going to be raising a glass to their marathon muff-a-thon.
That...
is a distinct possibility.
Do you imagine eating pussy, the same pussy,
for ten years?
No, but I don't suppose they get fed of sucking the same cock.
That makes three of us.
Unless it's Justin's.
It's a shame you couldn't go to L.A.
I'm busy. And he's busy.
We're all busy.
I just hope he gets back soon so we could finish the next issue of Rage.
He's not coming back.
What do you mean, he's not coming back?
Did he tell you that? He didn't have to.
When I spoke to him all he said was that he was going to have to be there longer than he...
Listen, Mikey...
are you listening?
Yes! Christ sake, I'm listening.
Just figure it out for yourself! I mean, first it's three months. Then it's six months.
One project turns to another, and another.
Before you know it...
He's there a year. Five years.
It's the way it goes.
I don't blame him.
He's having the time of his life, he's working the movies.
He's fucking movie stars.
That doesn't mean he's never coming home.
Who the hell would come back to Pittsburgh after L.A.?
I mean if that was me, I'd never come back.
He's not you.
It's time he got on with his life. It's time I got on with mine.
I can't believe how someone so little could have so much poop in them.
You might just grow up to be a lawyer.
Hey Mel...
Hey, Michael...
Who chipped you?
Changing you-know-who's you-know-what, for the billionth time today.
Is that's how you're going to spend your tenth anniversary?
You've got a better idea?
As a matter of fact...
Surprise!
How's my grand daughter...
I haven't seen you for ever!
Not since this morning.
Wipe the dyke in the headlights look off your face, you're having a surprise party courtesy of auntie Em's special occasions.
And you don't have to lift a finger, everything has been taken care of.
Food in the dining room, please!
Where's Linds?
She went to the grocery store. With Gus.
We want to surprise her too.
She'll be surprised.
Would you excuse me for a second?
Hello?
Hi, it's me.
Is something wrong?
Yeah, fucking right something's wrong.
No, it's not with the baby, it's just... get your ass over here, quick.
Why?
They're giving us a fucking surprise party.
Well, Emmett's done it again.
This food is great.
She must really be stocking up.
You know, double coupons.
Is Teddy getting tubby?
Considering me a Darwinist with his new bow, I'd say fat is the new thin.
So where have you been keeping yourself? I barely see you since I moved back.
Um, actually, I've been out looking for a place.
A place? For what?
To live.
Why the hell would you do that?
It's not cause we walked in on you fucking some guy... is it?
Well...
That was just a case of bad timing, that's all. I mean,
it's kind of funny actually, when you think about it.
I'm not sure that Carl found it to be that laugh riot that you did.
Don't worry about Carl, he'll get used to it.
He shouldn't have to.
The house should be the two of yours, Deb. Not the three of ours.
But, he'll never be Blanche when I'm playing Baby Jane, he doesn't have the shoulders or the eyebrows.
Come on, do you think he's going to take me to sing along Wizard of Oz, or get dishy with me during the award shows, or...
pull my face back and tell me how much work I need?
And other words?
You're irreplaceable.
We both have to face it, Deb.
Life with your detective does not include me.
What the hell took you so long?
I had to wake up Gus and get him dressed.
Here she is.
Surprise!
Isn't that great? Our friends are throwing us a surprise party for our anniversary.
Where are the groceries?
The groceries?
Ooh, they're being delivered, tomorrow.
Does everyone have champagne?
You can't toast without a glass.
We know how exhausted you two are, but we couldn't let this landmark go by without a little celebration.
Ten years is quite an achievement.
I'll say!
Now more than ever it's important people know that a gay couple can be just as committed as any straight couple.
To Mel and Linds.
To Mel and Linds! - Speech from the old married couple, come on.
There is something we'd like to say.
No, there isn't.
Now is not the right time.
When is the right time?
The right time for what?
I think you all should know... how much we appreciate this.
Would you stop?
We can't hide it anymore, it isn't fair.
Thank you for all your good wishes.
But you see, Melanie and I are having some problems.
I wasn't having any problems, I was trying to have a baby.
Alright, I'm the one responsible for all the problems.
Damn right you are!
For which I have apologized endlessly!
You still refuse to accept the fact...
That fucking Sam Aurbach had nothing to do with sex?
It was all about art, all the humping was all about form and function?
The truth is, we haven't been living together since our daughter was born.
Who turned on the lights?
What the fuck's going on?!
Turn them off!
Turn the fucking lights back off!
Jesus Christ!
Gentlemen!
May I have your attention!
This club is officially closed.
Pull up your pants and go home.
Come on! Let's go, everybody.
The party's over.
That includes you!
Just wait a sec...
Thanks, officer...
I'd do the same for you one say.
I come here every day to be with the baby.
So I can be with Gus.
Then Gus and I go back to the apartment.
You have an apartment?
A small one bedroom I've been renting.
We've... been renting.
Although we can barely afford this place.
Well, Gus and I have to live somewhere, or would you rather we sleep on the street?
Did I say that?
We're just a little thrown back, I've gotta admit.
It's a shock.
I wanted it all out in the open.
Well, I didn't.
I'm the one who had the baby.
I'd enough to deal with without having to explain to everyone.
Look, you've been having personal problems, we understand.
No, we do not understand!
How could you not say a word all this time?
So when were you going to tell me, after she grew up and went to college, and got married and had children of her own?
I have seen you practically every day since Jenny was born, and it's...
You've always been so sweet, so adorable, two doting mothers, well,
who would've guessed it was a big fucking lie!
We made a wrong decision by not telling you.
For which we are truely sorry.
But we've been under a lot of stress...
Ain't that the truth.
You have no idea how deceit can raise your blood pressure.
When I agreed to be the baby's father it was because I knew
she would be raised in a loving home.
With two loving parents, not in some sort of a time sharing arrangement with complimentary sniping!
Now you can make all the excuses you want, but if this is how you're planning on raising our daughter, we should never have had her in the first place!
God, I love this part.
Frankly, I've never been to keen about the grope-the-old-man movies.
I love the classics.
Here, have another.
No, no, no, I couldn't.
Come on!
No, six is my upper limit.
Come on!
No!
At this rate,
I'm going to turn into that guy I saw on TV. He was so fat they had to remove a wall to get him out of the house.
Fine by me.
There is something about the scent of an old guy...
...makes me so hot.
Lovely grey flecks,
turning into white...
The baby bottom pink scalp, peeking through the little hairs on the top.
Like wild grass on the beach.
And to grab on to those love handles...
...while I'm shooting all over that big, full belly...
Come on, lover...
Eat.
Sean, honey, I told you to stay in my room.
I'm not Sean, honey.
Oops... clearly.
Hand me the cranberry juice.
I've been meaning for us to have a...
powwow.
Although I never imagined it to be...
All that thrill?
You have nothing to worry about.
My lust bunny is locked away in my room.
I even put a gag in his mouth.
Of course, it was leather, and...
he begged me to do it.
Anyway, it's a...
Starting Sunday...
you and Deb will have this place all to yourselves.
Um, buffalo wing?
Deb is very upset you're leaving.
You know how to stop her from buying everything on QVC.
Truth is, I'm a little sorry to see you go myself.
You are?
Is that such a surprise?
Franky, yes.
Well, straight men take one look at me and run for the hills.
Even my father ran me out on a rail.
Well, that's his loss. You're a good man.
In fact, considering...
the number of hours I work, sometimes all night...
I'd be a hell of a lot happier if I knew Deb wasn't in the house alone.
Cop Horbath...
are you asking me to stay?
It doesn't take a detective to figure that out.
But...
it's up to you.
What about my sex... my...
love... life?
I bought a sound machine.
All I hear now is...
raindrops falling, rivers flowing, birds chirping.
Maybe I should get one of those, pretend I'm fucking in a rain forest.
Well, I'd better get back to...
Sean honey.
You know, if, um...
if you were gay, you'd make one hell of a bear.
I told Melanie, who's sitting right over there,
I said, doesn't matter what's going on between you and Lindsey, your first responsibility is that baby.
Deb, could I get a piece of the Key Lime?
You finish your meat loaf. But did they listen?
Obviously not!
Instead they go and destroy a family.
Turn a happy home into a broken one.
Without even telling us.
Coffee to go, Deb.
How could you eat after what happened last night?
You're telling me? Steam is still coming out of my ears.
If I hear that fucking thing one more time, you're going to be hearing bells.
My heart's broken. My soul...
crushed.
How do you think I feel? The insensitivity!
You know, it's immoral. That's what it is.
You're telling me.
How could they do this.
You were right, never trust munchers!
Munchers?
Mel and Linds.
What the hell have they got to do with it?
Who do you think is responsible?
For closing Babylon?
Is that all you care about?
Who gives a shit if the cops closed down Babylon?
I, for one, give a very big shit if that cum stain, Sapperstein was defrauding the internal revenue service
by hiding thousands, perhaps even hundreds of thousands of dollars up in his office in pillowcases.
Which, knowing him, you can be sure were not of the highest thread count.
And now, because of his illegal activities, Babylon is gone.
Kaput. Finito.
And that concerns you more than the fact that Mel and Linds were lying to us.
How my daughter and your son are the products of a broken home.
Christ... the three of you!
Never saw such... drama queens.
First Lindsey was wailing to me on the phone the night she and Melanie split, and now you.
Wait a minute! You're telling me you knew about this and you didn't tell me?!
She asked me not to.
So your loyalty to her, was more important than our friendship.
Don't make this about is, Michael.
Because it's not.
The ever changing kaleidoscope of life.
J.T. float, lost among the stars...
wondering if he'll ever see Rage again.
I promised I'd come for you, J.T.
Even if I had to go to the end of the universe.
I just did a test in front of the green screen.
So?
What do you think?
It's hot. And itchy.
Check out this package.
That's gonna win an Oscar of special effects.
Didn't hear you complaining.
Okay, super hero...
turn in your tights. Benjamin just pulled the plug.
What? He can't do that.
He can and he did. Green my ass...
and not like in scene 32 where Rage gives J.T. the rimming of a lifetime.
The picture's over budgeted, over scheduled...
You said they say that about every picture.
They do.
Then what's the real reason?
He's afraid. The times, the political climate.
Well he's wrong!
Tell him there are millions of queers out there with billions of dollars.
He's more concerned about alienating the family audience.
Pissing off the parent coorporation.
Displeasing someone in Washington who
makes that tax break very hard to come by.
So it's over?
Just like that?
He's greenlighting "The Passion of Moses".
Gay's out. God's in.
Oh sweetie, do you have a cold?
I think he caught one last night.
I'm not surprised.
Dragging him over here so we could play one big happy family.
I didn't drag him.
And you're the one who called, who insisted we keep us this ridiculous charade.
And you saw why I did, didn't you?
Now I have to deal with all their shit, as well as our own.
Speaking of shit.
Did you bring his medication?
Delicious cherry flavor your kids will love?
He hates it.
Why don't you let me?
Cause I can do it! Would you just go to work already?
It had to be done.
We had to tell them.
It's just that...
What?
Telling them...
Seeing their faces...
Knowing they know...
Somehow makes it real.
Yeah?
We're having some of the neighbours over Sunday for a barbecue.
Have us a couple of members of our illustrious English department
Kelly and Braverman...
Why don't you guys come too?
Sounds great.
And be sure to bring Hunter.
Hey...
How's it going?
They just moved in across the street.
They got twins.
Seems like everybody around here has got kids.
It won't be long before you'll be out, strolling with your own bambino too.
This one just went on the market.
Nice yard, but it could use a makeover.
Couldn't we all.
Wonder what they're asking.
In that condition, it's probably a bargain.
Sure you guys aren't interested?
Oh, we've talked it over and decided
that we stay put for now.
How soon could we see it?
Like you said, we're on top of each other in the apartment, Hunter needs his own space,
Jenny Rebecca is going to need her own room.
A yard, to play in...
We'll write down the realtor's number and you can give him a call.
I thought you wanted to stay in Liberty Avenue.
Maybe it's time for a change.
Brian!
So why the urgent message, meet me at Babylon now?
I found that little something you told me to treat myself to.
What?
You're standing in it.
Babylon?!
A said a toy, not a playroom!
I want it!
Oh you want it.
What for?
I got to keep the boys off the street at night.
I'm going to provide them with a warm and friendly environment
in which to use illegal substances and have promiscuous sex. Safely, of course.
A noble sentiment, but investment wise, not very practical.
And what would be practical, Theodore?
To get married?
And move to the suburbs?
Become a home loving, child raising, God fearing
imitation heterosexual?
And for what?
So that I can become another dead soul, going to the mall, and dropping my kids off at school.
And having barbecues in the back yard.
That's their death.
Not mine.
I'm a cock sucker!
I'm queer!
And to anyone who takes pity, or offense...
I say, judge yourself.
This is where I live.
This is who I am.
And as Rage stands at the precepice of a new world...
It all seems to be coming together. No glitches that I can forsee.
Everything looks good. The lease had been signed,
the liquor license had been transferred into the name of Kinnetic Corp.,
you've got enough insurance that if someone so much as sneezes, you're protected...
In short, the joint's all yours.
Theodore, you are a marvel.
Although when I said go buy yourself a new toy, this isn't exactly the toy I had in mind.
It says in the box "appropriate for boys from ages 19 to 40", so stop fretting, mother,
I can afford it.
Are you sure we can afford it?
We did the math a dozen times, even without the movie we each have enough income.
Plus, the money we've saved...
I just need some reassurance.
How's that?
I'm already thinking color schemes.
All the back room needs is a fresh coat of black paint, and a condom dispenser.
What about pink walls with a sky blue ceiling and white fluffy clouds for the baby's room?
That's amazing how with a few simple touches you can turn a tired old room into a fresh and inviting space.
Or we could wallpaper, remember how Monty and Ilay had their kid's room wallpapered with Disney characters?
And get a cleaning crew in here to jackhammer the dried cum off the floor.
Yeah, but it's probably yours.
With all this space, at least we won't be on top of each other.
That's unless we choose to be.
I want to reopen by Friday,
Friday? This Friday? But that's impossible.
You said that every day that we're closed, we're losing money.
Yeah, but we still need to line up bartenders, go-go boys, a new manager...
Well then, you better line them up.
There's so much to do!
They say it took 500 years to complete Notre Dam.
Is that supposed to be encouraging?
We're making a home, together. Who cares how long it takes?
Well, if there's a problem we'll just change the table cloths.
And the napkins.
And the flowers.
And the menu.
Let me know if you wanna change the groom...
Okay...
What was that?
The wedding of Alien and Predator.
The groom's the producer of the channel 5 six o'clock news.
It will be big news if I survive.
Bride's a twice-divorced drama queen, Panzer division, who's convinced there is going to be a disaster,
and believe me, if she doesn't get off my ass, which are words you rarely hear me say,
there will be.
Well it can't be any worse than Mel and Lindsey's anniversary surprise.
No shit. - Now honey, I can't let yourself get all worked up.
Of course, I realize that may be genetically impossible.
Hey boys. Bacon cheese burger for Michael, pot pie for Em,
and a BLT for Teddy,
hold the bacon, lettuce, bread, mayo and fries.
Trying to keep yourself in shape for your new boyfriend?
He's adorable. - Yeah.
He's history.
Jacks off to photos of Ted Kennedy.
Actually thought Marlon Brando needed to gain a few pounds.
That's why he was in love with me. Fat and old turn him on.
Teddy, you're not fat.
Well, not hugely grossly.
And you're certainly not old.
Excuse me, sir.
Sir?
Babylon reopens Friday night.
Here you go, guys.
He called me "sir".
He spoke loudly, so I could hear.
I thought Babylon went belly-up.
You mean you didn't know? Tell him, Teddy.
I resuscitated it.
Put my mouth on it, and blew.
So that's how you spend your disposable income?
You should've bought a house.
Some of us queers prefer dancing and fucking, to kiddies and picket fences.
Word on the street is that Poppers is the new hotspot.
Friday night Poppers goes back to being the piss hole it always was.
Hi J.R.! Your daddies love you.
There's this new place in the mall.
You design the bears yourself and pick out their outfits, record their voices...
It's adorable! - Precious.
You'll have to forgive Melanie, she's been up all night with J.R.
She has colic, cried for four hours straight.
Look, I wanted to apologize for getting so heated the other night.
It was a shock, that's all. I wasn't expecting... - We know.
No one was.
Although, now that I remember,
Every time I would stop by, one of you was always out, or at work, or taking a nap...
Anyway, I'm sorry. - You said that.
I mean that after all this time, you two couldn't work things out that it had to come to this...
Thank you very much, we're sorry too. Now if you don't mind can we not discuss our marital problems?
The important thing is, we need to decide how we're going to take care of our child.
Our child?
How much time she'll spend with you and with Linds, and with Ben and me...
we're buying a new house.
I'll tell you how much time she's gonna spend with you. None!
Melanie, please, would you lower your voice?
I'm sure we could handle this without screaming.
Who's screaming, I'm making a point.
Tell that to her.
We had an agreement that I'd be a part of our daughter's life!
Yeah, which at no time included physical custody. That was never discussed.
Because when we made it, you two were together! A couple, a family!
Now all that changed, now you're not!
Why, I'm still her mother. - So am I.
And I'm her father. - No one is denying that.
She is! She's saying I have no rights! - No, I'm saying you may be her father,
her biological father, but Lindsey and me are still her parents. That hasn't changed.
Now, if you will excuse me,
my daughter needs to be fed.
Right! Upon arrival, the guests will be offered a glass of Chateauneuf du Pape 1991.
Make that 1990.
1990.
A string quartet plays a medeley of your favorite Elton John songs...
I've decided to go with "Eine kleine Nachtmusic".
Well, scratch "Rocket Man".
Now, when the wedding march begins... we are keeping the wedding march?
Oh, of course... you'll enter from over there, um,
Why not from over here? - You'll enter from over here,
holding a spray of lillies. - I'm thinking of white roses and baby's breath.
Baby's breath, okay, you'll then proceed to the bower, um,
at which point... - What if it rains?
I already asked Johnny. No rain.
Your weather man couldn't predict a hurricane if it was blowing down Market street.
I've gotta get back to the station, I've got a remote coming in from Iraq.
Iraq?
Screw Iraq!
We're having a wedding! - Now now, don't you worry...
I am going to have a little talk with God, and there's no way he's going to let anything rain on your...
parade.
The ladies room. We haven't decided the color of the toilet tissue.
Lavender. No, mint! No, buttercup!
I wish you could see Lila under less stressful conditions.
She'll still drive you nuts, but...
I love her. - Well, of course you do. That's what this is all about.
You know, I gotta hand it to you. I don't know how you do it.
One of the reasons we queer guys are around... help you straight people straighten up.
Just make sure you pack my swimsuits and t-shirts soon, it's summer in Australia. - Yes sir.
Anyways, they fired him. Three days into production.
First time director, huge production... he couldn't handle it.
Also I hear he and Orlando Bloom did not get along.
Blair? I want that trainer in my hotel every morning at 5 am, uh?
Well, call the producer and fucking demand it!
How long will you be gone?
Well, it's a six month shoot, provided I can do post here, we're still negotiating.
Where the hell is my Ambien.
On an 18 hour flight, this is the only way to fly. - I'm sure.
Listen, I don't mean to throw you out or anything, but I just figured
while I was gone would be a good time to do some work on the house, you know, redecorate.
But... - Please feel free to stay for a couple of days until you line up with something else.
Thanks.
Even though I'm on the other side of the world, I haven't lost my passion for Rage.
My development people are going to shop it around,
the gay crusader is too powerful to be defeated by some asshole who can't see beyond the box office.
Right?
Blair?
I'm not happy with the time we've arranged for the car...
I can't believe the way she talked to me. - You're the father.
But I'm not the parent, at least not as far as Melanie is concerned.
Oh, that's bullshit. You're every bit as much her parent as she is. - You should've heard her.
Screaming so loud, she woke up the baby.
While they are carrying on...
I know we can provide a more stable home life for J.R. than they can.
I'm sure you're right. But the one thing we mustn't do is overreact. We've gotta stay calm,
and rational. - Everybody keeps telling me that!
Alright. I'll be calm. And rational.
There's no way I'm giving up my kid.
Finish up with those lights, we're about to open the doors!
Could you move those cartons behind the bar? - Yes sir.
And don't call me "sir"!
Break a leg, baby!
Just don't do it while we're shaking our booties. - I didn't think I'd see you here.
Thought you'd be too busy with the wedding plans.
I'm never to busy to sit ring-side on opening night.
Ready in two minutes.
And what have we here?
This is Alonzo, this is Emmett.
Already picturing a moonlit beach, caressed by a carribean breeze,
the palms sway gently to a latin guitar.
We didn't have too many palm trees in Trenton.
Alonzo is the new club manager.
And may I say, a vast improvement over the former one.
I haven't have this much fun with a toy since my erector set.
My parent's couldn't afford an erector set. So I decided to play with the one God gave me.
Okay boys! Take your places!
Let's bring the lights down...
and the strobes up.
And we're back in business. - Not quite.
Ain't Babylon without that thumpa-thumpa!
Okay boys and boys, what time is it?
It's showtime!
What - the - fuck?
Don't worry, it's still... it's early.
Where is everybody? - It's "Shorts and Shots" night at Poppers,
all the hot guys are over there.
Think I'll go, um, check it out.
Todd.
Hey...
Didn't think you're still in town.
This is Justin, and so is this.
Seems there's no shortage of us in Hollywood.
You get me another Ghetto, hun.
He's cute, if you like the type.
Really sucks about Rage, doesn't it? - Yeah.
Really sucks. I swear there's not an ounce of artistic integrity in this fucking town.
Why don't you go back to New York? To the theater.
I would in a heartbeat if I didn't have a 3-picture deal with Bruckheimer.
So where's our genious director? - He left yesterday for Australia.
I heard he's taking over that remake of Mothra?
Well, it isn't a Brett Keller film unless something flys. - He still plans on doing Rage, though.
His people are out shopping it to other studios, now that it's in turnabout.
That's turn-around. - Right.
He swore he's going to get it made.
Well, that's out Brettsky. Fighting the evil empire single handed. But,
in this business, the only thing that rises from the dead is Dracula. And then only if Brad Pitt is playing.
When something's over, it's over.
You look like you gave an orgy and nobody came.
I love how you can take a stale cliche and make it fresh.
Could you do the same for this muffin?
What the fuck's with you?
Guess how many homos showed up last night for the reopening of Babylon.
Is this one of those lightbulb jokes?
Twelve. Counted'em. Twelve.
Eight fucking grand, down the crapper.
If I don't do something quick, it's going to be another eight fucking grand tonight,
and tomorrow night, and the next night.
Sounds like one hell of an expensive blowjob.
I wouldn't have mind it, even that.
But not one of them was even remotely fuckable. - I don't get it, where did they all go?
The music was fucking awesome, and only a buck a shooter.
Where you boys have been all night? - Poppers.
Poppers?! That dump's older than I am.
The only thing that is...
There you have it.
You of all people should know. There's no one more fickle than a fag.
Hey. - Sorry I'm late.
The woman in front of me had a stack of coupons.
Hey, sweetie! - Hi Mommy.
Did you have fun with mama?
Here's the mail. - Thanks.
Okay big boy... gather up your toys, it's time to go.
Mama, I don't want to go.
Are we gonna go through this every time?
It's okay, sweetie. I'll see you tomorrow when Mommy goes to work, okay?
How's J.R.? - Up all night, screaming.
Why don't you let me take her? - You can't be up all night, and look after Gus, and work all day.
You're exhausted. - Don't worry about me, okay? I can handle it.
No one said you couldn't. - Then don't start. - I'm not starting anything.
I just wish there was some way we could just... - Make up?
Get along.
Shit. - What is it?
That little fucker hired a lawyer.
Her name is Bobby Bennett.
I thought she was married to Hugh Heffner.
That's Barbie Benton. This is a tough gay lawyer.
She took the first gay adoption case in Pennsylvania to the state's supreme court, and won. - Yeah.
She said as J.R.'s biological father I have rights, and I should fight for them.
No! No, I don't like it there.
So, she has agreed to take our case. - Glad to see you stand up for yourself.
I'm sorry it had to come to this. - Well they didn't leave me any choice!
Is this where you want it, Deb?
Where I want it is in the garbage. But...
it's Carl's favorite chair, so...
Hey, that's better, huh? - Oh yeah, much better.
Well, I'm not going to let my daughter be raised by a couple of single mothers.
When there's a loving, stable home with two fathers.
Single mothers?
You just said, "single mothers".
You mean like me?
I wasn't talking about you, I wasn't even thinking about you. - Yeah, so what else is new.
But I was a single mother. And guess what,
even without a father, you still had enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Sometimes. - That's not what I was talking about.
Christ sakes, mom, could you stop misinterpreting? - Who's misinterpreting?
All we're saying... - I know what you're saying, I speak the language,
thank you very much! You think there's two of you, that you're better equipped to raise a kid.
Let me tell you two experts something.
Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a partner and enough money to stay home and raise their kids.
Some of us had to work. Night and day!
Sometimes till two in the fucking morning.
So that our kids could have sneakers and jeans, and
walkmans and go to the movies, just like all their friends.
And while we were out there working, we were just hoping, and praying to God,
they didn't get sick, or get in trouble.
But we had no choice.
We made whatever sacrifice we could for out kids' happiness.
So, you two think you could do it better?
All I gotta say is...
good for you.
I almost didn't recognize you since you gained all that weight!
It's not that much. - I wish that I could gain weight like that.
I try and I try and I eat, and I eat but no matter what I do, I just can't keep it on.
Pity. - Chocolate? - I'm on a diet.
Your hair is getting thinner.
Look, whatever else is going on, I've always had a healthy head of hair.
Well, I hate to contradict Mrs. Brawling,
But the mirror only has one face and... you're looking at it.
Shit!
I'm getting bald!
What do I do?!
Convert to Judaism and wear a yarmulka?
There's no use fighting it, sweatheart.
I'm afraid age is the last trick any of us picks up.
The problem is, after it fucks us, it doesn't leave.
So if I were you, I'd stop singing the title song from "poor me" and accept it.
Then what? Die?
Or move to Palm Springs.
Pour yourself a Martini and ogle the...
Mexican boys.
Now... what shall we do with this?
Same old, same old?
It doesn't matter how many of these weddings I do, I always get a lump in my throat and a tear in my eyes.
Maybe it's allergies. What if everybody starts sneezing?
You see, I told you, we should've had it indoors! - The only stifles today will be stifles of joy,
from how lovely the bride looks. - I still think I should've left my hair down,
my face looks too round, doesn't it? - It's the perfect frame for the perfect picture.
You hear that, honey? - It's all an illusion, I'm a mess.
Are those rain clouds? - I think that it's time to cue the wedding march.
You need to relax.
To my beautiful bride...
From now on, you're my morning news, my evening news, and my special bulletin.
Don, what a beautiful sentiment!
Oh my God. Oh my God!
Alright, places, everyb...
I told you something would go wrong? Didn't I tell you there'll be a disaster?!
My blouse! Look at me! How can I go out there? I can't. It's ruined!
Everything is ruined!
Take it off.
Take it off. Take your blouse off, come on, be quick about it!
Chop chop! - Okay...
Oh my God.
Go, go go go. - Going!
I need a soup pot and two bottles of Bourgandy, please! Vits, vits!
As fast as we can, people!
You want a chicken too?!
That's a hell of a time to make cocque au vin, two minutes before our wedding!
Alright... - What the fuck are you doing?!
Just because I didn't carry her doesn't mean I'm not her mother too.
See the choo-choo go around the tracks, sonny boy? See it?
Sure is fun.
But after a while it gets monotonous and predictable,
and that's when we throw off the shackles of convention and relinquish control,
and cause senseless, tragic, disaster!
Oh my... did you see that?
Brian, what are you doing?
I'm just teaching my son how to have fun. Well I wish you'd listen to what I'm saying.
Just because I didn't carry her doesn't mean I'm not her mother too?
I was there every step of the way. Impregnating her, coaching her, taking care of her...
I even helped with the delivery. - So who says you're not?
Michael.
He's petitioning for joint custody. And 50 percent physical custody.
Who the hell does he think he is, the father?
The agreement was that he would always be a part of the baby's life,
but Mel and I would raise her. - Together.
Doesn't make any difference, we're still the same people. We're still Jenny Rebecca's parents.
Well, he seems to feel differently.
If only Melanie had been reasonable.
Melanie?
Our little Melanie?
Reasonable? - Instead of trying to force him out.
Now if he goes through with this, I'll be the one who's forced out.
The court will say I am the one with no legal rights.
It looks like your mommy is in quite a predicament. - Goddamn right she is.
I can't believe what I mess my life has become.
We've money.
What I need is for you to talk to him.
You're his best friend.
Hey Gus!
But it's okay, sonny boy.
We will get it back on track.
Wait, wait, wait...
Here, flip the switch.
That's should just about do it.
Just take that please, thank you, thank you, and we're here...
Perfect, here we go, and one...
and two... there!
It even matches your bouquet!
Thank you, thank you... let's go, let's go! - You're a genious.
I'm not a genious... aunt Lulu's the genious.
See, I'm back at Hazlehurst when I was a boy, my Momma worked and scraped to buy me good white pants for church,
Well, before we got there, I stole some boysenberry cobblers and, imagine the rest...
Momma was just about to whoop me, but aunt Lulu saved the day.
She picked a mass of boysenberries, made some boysenberry juice,
and next Sunday I had the most fabulous purple pants for the church.
Which I of course accessorized with a yellow sweater and a pink scarf.
That's a hell of a story.
When I got my fairy wings, I learned how to turn a diaster into something beautiful.
Now you two walk down that aisle, and live happily ever after.
Come on honey, there's no back room here, so I guess it's off to my place!
Last time I looked, there was a back room at Babylon.
Brian, hey... we were planning to stop by later.
Why not now? Avoid the crowds.
Look, it's not my fault the herd's moved on. All the hot guys come here now.
Look at that one... just look at him!
Tired old queen, desperately trying to hold on to...
Teddy?
Had to, Theodore?
Brian, what are you doing here?
Checking out the competition.
Me too.
Is that why you're in disguise?
My new look.
I was going for something newer, hipper.
I'm trying to bring them back to Babylon, not scare them away.
Well, you'd better do it fast or you're gonna lose your pants.
Might as well start now.
Like that? - Oh yeah.
How was your flight?
Okay. Let's try this again.
Christ! What's going on in here, you can hear her crying halfway around the block!
Colic. She's been up all night.
Oh. She got that from Michael.
I knew he'd turn out gay, he was a screamer from the day he arrived. Come here honeybun...
Honeybun is what I used to call Michael.
Look, you really shouldn't be here. Considering he plans to sue me for custody.
You still haven't learned, have you.
We have a child here, with a problem.
You got a hot water bottle?
In the kitchen, I think.
Fill it.
With warm water!
Grandma is going to make it alright, yes she is...
I know it hurts, I know it hurts honey.
Where's Mommy?
Debbie... I know you want to see your granddaughter,
and I appreciate your help, but... - But? What?
Until this thing's settled... - As far as I'm concerned, it already is.
The three of you carrying on, each of you wanting a piece of this poor child, that's shameful.
It's worse than that king.
You know the one, Solomon.
But the bottom line...
I say a baby belongs with its mother.
You do.
Maybe it's because I'm a mother.
A single mother.
And anyone who isn't and never has been, doesn't have a clue how tough that is, and that includes my son.
So whatever I can to do help, I'm here.
Thank you for being on my side.
Now, hear this.
The only one whose side I'm on is my granddaughter's.
Isn't that right, honeybun?
So tiny.
I hated it out there.
The weather never changes! All anybody talks about it the business.
If you don't have a go project, you're invisible.
Yeah yeah, as they say in the movies, cut to the chase. The guys are hot!
Yeah, except after a while they all start to look the same.
Perfect hair. Perfect teeth. Perfect body. - Sounds perfectly aweful.
And you can not trust anyone or believe anything anybody ever says.
Everybody's just looking out for themselves and their careers.
Yeah, sounds exactly like what you always hear about L.A...
a lot of shallow superficial assholes, desperately trying to be what they're not.
Hey Deb...
Can I get a soup spoon?
Sure can, honey, they're all by the counter. Help yourself.
You're lucky you got out of there in one piece, baby.
So much for Rage, the movie.
So much for Rage, the money!
It's okay, we'll be find. You know it's just as well that they didn't make it.
And you were right, by the time they'd have finished it, Rage would have wound up straight.
At least we still have the comic.
Our comic.
And most important, you're back with us, where you belong.
Yeah, what are you going to do now, really?
Never had much chance to think about it.
Don't you worry, baby. Your old job is still here waiting for you,
you can start busting tables any time you want.
So... would you like to slit your throat now, or after we have coffee?
Emmett! Welcome to channel 5 news.
Everyone is still raving about the wedding. Lila's friends want to know where she got that blouse,
said they never saw such a beautiful color.
Well, I'm just relieved everything worked out alright.
If there's anything I can do for you... your next wedding... - Actually, there is.
I watched you day after day through this entire event.
You did?
And I have a little proposition to make.
You do.
I want you, Emmett.
What is it with me and straight men...
Mr. McGruder, I'm very flattered... but you're a married man now.
What the hell are you... you don't think I...
Please, no....
Well you did say you wanted me. - For the news team.
As what? Sports commentator? Weather girl?
Either way I think you'd be terribly disappointed.
Listen, I don't have to tell you, queer is very hot right now. Everybody wants the gay perspective.
What do the gays think about fashion, cooking, decorating?
Like you said, that little fairy magic that gives us straights a little twist.
And you want me to... - To do a new segment.
Offer us the gay point of view.
Give us some tips, do some makeovers.
I.. I've never... - After that magic act you performed at our wedding, you can do anything.
That include being channel 5's queer guy.
Without the lights and the music and the hot guys, it's just a room, isn't it.
It's all an illusion.
Nothing but cheap theatrics.
Sorry about your baby.
Jenny?
Rage. - Oh, that.
Right now I got more important things to think about.
So why the urgent message on my cell?
I want you to leave Melanie and Lindsey alone.
They have enough shit to work out right now without you sticking your bulldog, or should I say, bulldyke laywer on them.
What the fuck business is it of yours if I want to hire a lawyer?
Who the fuck are you to... - Gus's father, that's who the fuck I am.
You had to lose a ball before you even knew he was alive!
I'm sorry, that was a...
uncalled for remark. It's just that...
because they're your son's parents too, I thought you'd understand.
What I understand, is that if you go through with this, Lindsey's going to be the one that's left out.
She's going to be the one that gets fucked over.
Well, she should've thought of that before she cheated on Mel and lied to me!
Christ, would you give it a rest already? We all know the story.
Why don't you stop defending her for a change and try defending me, your best friend?
Right now, the best thing for Jenny Rebecca is to be with Ben and me,
in a stable home, not being passed back and forth between two battling lesbians.
When did you change?
What?
When did you become this pious, sanctimonious, judgemental twit?
The point is not...
when did I change.
The point is, why haven't you.
When are you going to stop being some...
over the hill club boy, and grow up?
So now I'm the object of your disapproval too.
You and the nutty professor get married,
in fucking Canada,
you move to Stepford Avenue with all the...
other ersatz heterosexuals.
And suddently that gives you the right to make pronouncements on everybody else's life?
Upside of your perfect marriage, Mikey... it's called gay divorce.
Fags and dykes can fuck up their lives just like the rest of the world.
I'm just trying to do what's best for my daughter.
And protect my rights.
I'm sorry you can't see that.
Just call me...
the queer guy.
Wouldn't that be like calling the pope "the catholic guy"?
Don McGruder, the producer of the channel 5 news I've just did his wedding,
wants me to join the news team. I am returning to the cameras.
This time, with my clothes on. I'm going to be channel 5's queer guy.
Sharing tips, making quips, and generally showing Pittsburgh how to be fabulous.
You can start by showing me.
My hair, my gut, my face...
God, I look like a Sharpei. - There is nothing wrong with the way you look.
Would you stop being a friend and be honest? - I am being honest!
Come here. Come here!
Look at yourself. Your true self.
The self that kicked crystal.
That completed the Liberty Ride, that got a great job. You turned your life around, Teddy.
And that is something to be very, very proud of. You're practically a hero.
Okay so who cares if you put on a few pounds, or have a few character lines.
Stop looking at the shell... and see the pearl.
You're right, Em.
You're so right.
It did sound good, didn't it. Maybe I can use it on my segment.
Well,
this queer guy's gotta get to the gym and then get some beauty rest.
Camera's merciless, you know. Shows every line and immediately adds ten pounds.
I'll see you baby!
Thanks Em...
Hey, you're going to make a great queer guy. You already are.
Can't help it!
Hi, yes, my name is Ted Schmidt,
and I'd like to make an appointment to see the doctor.
Be right with you.
My attorney advised me not to talk to you.
Well, I'm an attorney too, and I'd say she's being overly cautious.
After all, we're friends.
Family.
Are we?
I'm sure we can work this out.
Save ourselves a lot of grief, and legal expenses. Which if I know anything about lawyers,
this is why she doesn't want us communicating.
Look. I admit. I overreacted.
I was just being protective, the way any mother would. You can understand that.
There's no question you're part of Jenny Rebecca's life!
It's just that she's still young.
She's still breastfeeding.
I was thinking that maybe later on down the road, maybe when she's four or five,
she could spend some time with you and Ben, I think that's perfectly reasonable.
Don't you?
How dumb do you think I am?
No. Don't answer that, I can imagine.
First you tell me I have no rights, which isn't true. I have as much rights as you.
Now you try to get me to agree not to take her until she's four or five?
I'm sorry Mel, I'm not backing off.
I can't believe you're doing this!
After we stood right here in your store and agreed that you could be the father,
instead of just a sperm donor. - Then why won't you let me have her?
Cause you don't know shit about raising a baby! Even your own mother agrees.
My mother? - Yes, she thinks you're behaving like an asshole.
Oh really?
You know what? I don't give a flying fuck what my mother thinks.
Jenny Rebecca is my daughter too, and I'm going to have joint custody.
Then you go ahead and try.
But let me tell you, you're not only up against one angry mother,
and lesbian. You're up against one pissed off lawyer.
So...
was it all you remembered?
And more.
What about you?
It was... okay.
Just okay.
It was great.
Say it was great. Say it was great! Say it!
It was great, it was great, it was great.
It was great.
It was. It was great.
I thought you're never coming back.
I figured.
Why would you?
Can't imagine.
What's this?
It's one of my storyboards from the movie.
It's good.
Thanks.
What?
Nothing.
I told everyone how shitty it was out there.
How stupid everyone was.
Truth is, I loved it.
I know...
It was hot. It was fun, it was exciting.
We were going to change the world. The world's first gay superhero.
Well, it's over.
Now you're back.
Must be quite a let down after all that.
There's still one thing Pittsburgh has that Hollywood doesn't.
That is, if the offer still stands.